Crap and stuff

Yeah, I read the article and intended to type out a thoughtful response on Saturday. Then, I ended up super sick for a couple days. I'm still feeling pretty out of it and not remotely insightful or intelligent.

I start trying to type and let my thoughts out but then I seem to just start making excuses for myself. Then, I delete it all, figuring that's not gonna help anyone. I guess I ought to be writing this in my Journal.

So, Journal, How are you? I said many times that I wanted to keep writing. Wanted to journal just like I had been on my trip. Why did I stop?

I stopped when things took a turn for the worse. Is that a pattern? When I get sad I clam up, I leave the group and go suffer alone. Even when I'm with the group, I'm not really there WITH the group. Just faking it.

Nothing new there.

I don't think anybody reading my blog signed up to hear all of that... or maybe they did.

I know I intended to give everything... I just thought everything was going to be an amazing adventure. Yet, maybe it still is. Maybe my perspective is just what needs fixing.

Florida... five - thousand - miles...

HA!

But my wrists? So... lame

I was trying to make the most of it, but I wasn't addressing how I really felt emotionally about stopping short. The boys(Shaun and Geoff) made it. Before Christmas even.

How do I go forward now? Where is forward? Where am I going? I've lost direction. Lost...

Lost, disconnected, numb. This is what I feel now. Not what anybody wants to hear. Everybody likes happy stories. But this is reality. This is where I am right now.

Stephanie, after our chill new years eve hangout, asked me what my resolution would be. I had been deep in thought, obsessing about the past, about my disconnection, about why I can't feel like I belong anywhere. So, it took me a moment to come back to now, look her in the eye and then to try and determine what level of an answer she was interested in. I defaulted to shallow. We've only started to have a "deepish" conversation once while drunk and this time I was heading out the door and we were both sober.

When I decided I was coming back to Seattle, I thought I needed to try harder if I expected to succeed at my goals. Since having those thoughts, I've come to realize that's what I always tell myself, I'm lazy, and I just need to try harder. twenty some odd years of saying this hasn't changed anything.

So in that moment, Steph is looking for a simple answer to a not so simple question.

"I think I'm going to not give up so easily." I say.

"That's a good one." she replies. "I'm going to work on being more open with people."

Here's was much better. Mine is just another loop in a long cycle. Well, maybe she makes similar resolutions ever year too. Misery loves company...

Kelly...

She sent me an article, about family relations, and asked me for my thoughts. I'm having such a hard time focusing on anything lately, getting through an article without skipping around is hard work. Keeping the ideas in my head long enough to form a response is even harder.

I'm thinking the holidays are upon us, she's probably had some family struggles and this relates. She could really use my input, but I can't seem to summon any.

Blocked...

Seems as though everything is blocked. Every direction I turn, I don't really get anywhere. The tiny bit of motivation I might muster up is gone so fast. If I had more energy I'd probably be angry.

Is there a way to wrap this entry up?

I do seem to be running out of steam. As with any of my efforts lately, I didn't really get anywhere. Right back where I started with a mess of junk crapping up my stuff.