Back on the Hoss

It's been a while... I've talked, out loud and to myself, quite a bit about starting to write again. However, every time I sat down to write, the words flowing from my fingers were dark, and probably not the sort of thing people wanted to hear.

Self censorship... Yeah, I suppose.

The sun has returned, my skin doesn't hurt and I have created a new monthly project that I LOVE. So, things are good right now. :-)

What's this monthly project you ask? Well, it's the Dangerously Talented Friday! The DTF began from an accident. Well, a couple great ideas, some inspired creation, an accident, and then an even greater idea.

I planned to have a talent show at my birthday cabin weekend back in March. One evening, while my good buddy Ashley(The Pianist) and I were watching Fantasia and having our consciousness altered by the wonderful herb known as cannabis, we had a brilliant idea. Let's write a mini musical to perform at the talent show. YES.

Not only was this a great idea, but we began to execute on it. We scheduled writing/practice sessions at every opportunity and in just a few weeks we were ready to unleash The Origin on the world. Well, on the birthday weekend people anyway. :-)

Then, the accident. After all the practicing of the musical and planning of sing-alongs, I forgot to bring my guitar...

I was super bummed about this and I let a cloud hang over me for much of the weekend. Despite this, the weekend and the talent show was a great success. For the show, I whipped out my rendition of the ever popular Great Smoke-off by Shel Silverstien and everyone was suitably impressed. :-)

The Pianist and I agreed that we would figure out a time to perform our musical for people once we got back to Seattle. But then, on my bike ride home, I had the brilliant idea.

I will have another talent show at which we will present The Origin. However, this will not just be a singular talent show, this will be the beginning of Dangerously Talented Friday. A monthly talent/variety show to showcase our friend's talents and inspire us to be creative and improve our talents!

So far, I have held two of them and they were both HUGE successes. I've received so much positive feedback about the show. People love having a friendly place to try performing and also seeing their friends be amazing. We've had belly dancing, improvisation, many music acts(including beatboxing!), drama, juggling, stand-up comedy and even a surprise appearance by an illusionist on a Segway. At the DTF, instead of everyone being a critic, everyone is a FAN. Because of this, people who have never performed before are empowered to perform their hearts out in a raw and honest way.

For me, it's a project to pour myself into. It's a source of motivation and an outlet for my creative desires. It's a way for me to spend time with my friends who want to practice for the show. And finally, it's party full of so much positivity and fun that I can't imagine a better way to spend a Friday night.

Some of you reading this have already been to a DTF. Many of you have yet to see one. I hope that one way or another, you are able to make it to a show or I'm able to bring the show to you.

That's all for now, I promise to write again soon. <3

Weekend Wario...

Friday. Yep, TGIF and all that jazz. Sometimes I have epic weekends. This weekend  will be just another weekend. I'll do laundry, I'll play some Ultimate, and Sunday, I'll probably get flaked on.

I often have a hard time figuring out of someone is just flakey or if I'm being brushed off. Either way, I suppose it's an indication that I'm not important enough to warrant the effort. Right? Meh... I sometimes think I cut people off too easily. But then, I realize I'm not really all that fun for most people to hang around. I don't talk about TV and sports, and if asked what I've been up to I talk about my bike trip and I get all bummed that I didn't go nearly as far as I hoped.

Went on a date of sorts last weekend. She seemed like an interesting person. I talked a lot, felt out of place, and at the end of it all, failed to see the point.

Work has been going much better. I've been focused and accomplishing goals. So at least I dont' feel worthless at work anymore. I could focus my time from a lack of social calendar into making my room nice. I want to have a nice room

Yeah, I'll feel better with a nice room. And getting my bed in the room and so forth. Kinda like having a home.

Today is this dinner thing that I thought I was invited to, but then it seems I wasn't. I suppose I could have followed up if it was important to me. I didn't want her to know that I was excited about it though. Trying to be cool or something. How's that working out for me?

Polar Bears

1/3/2012

Swimming. MY head is swimming.

I'm eating now, in my usual fashion, but my head, still not clear. I thought I was sleepy, have some caffeine in me now. But, still not clear in my head.

Is that appointment with the doctor even going to make a difference?

I made an appointment with a doctor, figured I ought to use this insurance I"m paying for. Also, something's got to give. I worry I won't be able to keep my job with the way I've been struggling.

Just remembered to take my vitamins. Yeah, taking vitamins too. A multi and some fish oil. The fish oil I"ll take with every meal, if I can remember.

Typing out what's getting at me like this is surely better than avoiding it or just mental obsessing, right?

Last night, before dinner, I decided to have a few puffs on my vaporizer. Perhaps that's what helped me eat so well.

I quickly felt so much better in many ways. I felt like I could think, and feel. Felt in control again. Felt excited by life.

I suppose I have to accept that I wasn't excited by life a few years ago. I was numb, felt like my memory was fading, concentration was missing, no direction. I was just doing what I felt I had to to get by.

Pipe dreams.

It really was when I discovered vaporization and started using cannabis regularly that I began to love life, myself, the beauty of everyone and everything. Is that the only way for me to get to that place? Why? How? Is that OK?

Caitlin would tell me that if it's OK, then it's OK. Kat would probably agree too. I am sure that Kat and Caitlin make me a happier person. And I'm pretty sure most people are in favor of that happier me. I'm pretty sure that when I'm happier, I behave differently, I DO things I wouldn't have done. My life substantively changes. I make different decisions. I take more risks. I recover from mistakes, I might even make fewer mistakes. I don't think I allow myself to be paralyzed my fear or indecision as much.

So why do I have a problem with that? I worry that there are some negative effects as well. But I can never really put my finger on what those might be. I'm plenty forgetful without being high. I get lost in thought all the time without being high. It seems that whatever I can think of that might be a negative side effect of being high, is something that happens to me when I'm sober far more than I would like and doesn't seem to happen more when I'm high.

I don't think I'll find an answer to that question today. But I am finally writing out my thoughts instead of just thinking them over and over.

Biking... for... or.. something.

I biked all the way to the office once. I think it was about 16 miles. I've biked down to Montlake and taken the bus from there many times. So 16 miles is the longest ride I've taken since returning to Seattle.

To be fair, it's cold, and it's been quite wet as well. Perhaps I'll try and ride out to Kat's place Sunday. Although, I wanted to bring my guitar... Still haven't solved the guitar on the bike issue.

Crap and stuff

Yeah, I read the article and intended to type out a thoughtful response on Saturday. Then, I ended up super sick for a couple days. I'm still feeling pretty out of it and not remotely insightful or intelligent.

I start trying to type and let my thoughts out but then I seem to just start making excuses for myself. Then, I delete it all, figuring that's not gonna help anyone. I guess I ought to be writing this in my Journal.

So, Journal, How are you? I said many times that I wanted to keep writing. Wanted to journal just like I had been on my trip. Why did I stop?

I stopped when things took a turn for the worse. Is that a pattern? When I get sad I clam up, I leave the group and go suffer alone. Even when I'm with the group, I'm not really there WITH the group. Just faking it.

Nothing new there.

I don't think anybody reading my blog signed up to hear all of that... or maybe they did.

I know I intended to give everything... I just thought everything was going to be an amazing adventure. Yet, maybe it still is. Maybe my perspective is just what needs fixing.

Florida... five - thousand - miles...

HA!

But my wrists? So... lame

I was trying to make the most of it, but I wasn't addressing how I really felt emotionally about stopping short. The boys(Shaun and Geoff) made it. Before Christmas even.

How do I go forward now? Where is forward? Where am I going? I've lost direction. Lost...

Lost, disconnected, numb. This is what I feel now. Not what anybody wants to hear. Everybody likes happy stories. But this is reality. This is where I am right now.

Stephanie, after our chill new years eve hangout, asked me what my resolution would be. I had been deep in thought, obsessing about the past, about my disconnection, about why I can't feel like I belong anywhere. So, it took me a moment to come back to now, look her in the eye and then to try and determine what level of an answer she was interested in. I defaulted to shallow. We've only started to have a "deepish" conversation once while drunk and this time I was heading out the door and we were both sober.

When I decided I was coming back to Seattle, I thought I needed to try harder if I expected to succeed at my goals. Since having those thoughts, I've come to realize that's what I always tell myself, I'm lazy, and I just need to try harder. twenty some odd years of saying this hasn't changed anything.

So in that moment, Steph is looking for a simple answer to a not so simple question.

"I think I'm going to not give up so easily." I say.

"That's a good one." she replies. "I'm going to work on being more open with people."

Here's was much better. Mine is just another loop in a long cycle. Well, maybe she makes similar resolutions ever year too. Misery loves company...

Kelly...

She sent me an article, about family relations, and asked me for my thoughts. I'm having such a hard time focusing on anything lately, getting through an article without skipping around is hard work. Keeping the ideas in my head long enough to form a response is even harder.

I'm thinking the holidays are upon us, she's probably had some family struggles and this relates. She could really use my input, but I can't seem to summon any.

Blocked...

Seems as though everything is blocked. Every direction I turn, I don't really get anywhere. The tiny bit of motivation I might muster up is gone so fast. If I had more energy I'd probably be angry.

Is there a way to wrap this entry up?

I do seem to be running out of steam. As with any of my efforts lately, I didn't really get anywhere. Right back where I started with a mess of junk crapping up my stuff.