Swimming. MY head is swimming.
I'm eating now, in my usual fashion, but my head, still not clear. I thought I was sleepy, have some caffeine in me now. But, still not clear in my head.
Is that appointment with the doctor even going to make a difference?
I made an appointment with a doctor, figured I ought to use this insurance I"m paying for. Also, something's got to give. I worry I won't be able to keep my job with the way I've been struggling.
Just remembered to take my vitamins. Yeah, taking vitamins too. A multi and some fish oil. The fish oil I"ll take with every meal, if I can remember.
Typing out what's getting at me like this is surely better than avoiding it or just mental obsessing, right?
Last night, before dinner, I decided to have a few puffs on my vaporizer. Perhaps that's what helped me eat so well.
I quickly felt so much better in many ways. I felt like I could think, and feel. Felt in control again. Felt excited by life.
I suppose I have to accept that I wasn't excited by life a few years ago. I was numb, felt like my memory was fading, concentration was missing, no direction. I was just doing what I felt I had to to get by.
Pipe dreams.
It really was when I discovered vaporization and started using cannabis regularly that I began to love life, myself, the beauty of everyone and everything. Is that the only way for me to get to that place? Why? How? Is that OK?
Caitlin would tell me that if it's OK, then it's OK. Kat would probably agree too. I am sure that Kat and Caitlin make me a happier person. And I'm pretty sure most people are in favor of that happier me. I'm pretty sure that when I'm happier, I behave differently, I DO things I wouldn't have done. My life substantively changes. I make different decisions. I take more risks. I recover from mistakes, I might even make fewer mistakes. I don't think I allow myself to be paralyzed my fear or indecision as much.
So why do I have a problem with that? I worry that there are some negative effects as well. But I can never really put my finger on what those might be. I'm plenty forgetful without being high. I get lost in thought all the time without being high. It seems that whatever I can think of that might be a negative side effect of being high, is something that happens to me when I'm sober far more than I would like and doesn't seem to happen more when I'm high.
I don't think I'll find an answer to that question today. But I am finally writing out my thoughts instead of just thinking them over and over.
Biking... for... or.. something.
I biked all the way to the office once. I think it was about 16 miles. I've biked down to Montlake and taken the bus from there many times. So 16 miles is the longest ride I've taken since returning to Seattle.
To be fair, it's cold, and it's been quite wet as well. Perhaps I'll try and ride out to Kat's place Sunday. Although, I wanted to bring my guitar... Still haven't solved the guitar on the bike issue.
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