Back on the Hoss

It's been a while... I've talked, out loud and to myself, quite a bit about starting to write again. However, every time I sat down to write, the words flowing from my fingers were dark, and probably not the sort of thing people wanted to hear.

Self censorship... Yeah, I suppose.

The sun has returned, my skin doesn't hurt and I have created a new monthly project that I LOVE. So, things are good right now. :-)

What's this monthly project you ask? Well, it's the Dangerously Talented Friday! The DTF began from an accident. Well, a couple great ideas, some inspired creation, an accident, and then an even greater idea.

I planned to have a talent show at my birthday cabin weekend back in March. One evening, while my good buddy Ashley(The Pianist) and I were watching Fantasia and having our consciousness altered by the wonderful herb known as cannabis, we had a brilliant idea. Let's write a mini musical to perform at the talent show. YES.

Not only was this a great idea, but we began to execute on it. We scheduled writing/practice sessions at every opportunity and in just a few weeks we were ready to unleash The Origin on the world. Well, on the birthday weekend people anyway. :-)

Then, the accident. After all the practicing of the musical and planning of sing-alongs, I forgot to bring my guitar...

I was super bummed about this and I let a cloud hang over me for much of the weekend. Despite this, the weekend and the talent show was a great success. For the show, I whipped out my rendition of the ever popular Great Smoke-off by Shel Silverstien and everyone was suitably impressed. :-)

The Pianist and I agreed that we would figure out a time to perform our musical for people once we got back to Seattle. But then, on my bike ride home, I had the brilliant idea.

I will have another talent show at which we will present The Origin. However, this will not just be a singular talent show, this will be the beginning of Dangerously Talented Friday. A monthly talent/variety show to showcase our friend's talents and inspire us to be creative and improve our talents!

So far, I have held two of them and they were both HUGE successes. I've received so much positive feedback about the show. People love having a friendly place to try performing and also seeing their friends be amazing. We've had belly dancing, improvisation, many music acts(including beatboxing!), drama, juggling, stand-up comedy and even a surprise appearance by an illusionist on a Segway. At the DTF, instead of everyone being a critic, everyone is a FAN. Because of this, people who have never performed before are empowered to perform their hearts out in a raw and honest way.

For me, it's a project to pour myself into. It's a source of motivation and an outlet for my creative desires. It's a way for me to spend time with my friends who want to practice for the show. And finally, it's party full of so much positivity and fun that I can't imagine a better way to spend a Friday night.

Some of you reading this have already been to a DTF. Many of you have yet to see one. I hope that one way or another, you are able to make it to a show or I'm able to bring the show to you.

That's all for now, I promise to write again soon. <3

Weekend Wario...

Friday. Yep, TGIF and all that jazz. Sometimes I have epic weekends. This weekend  will be just another weekend. I'll do laundry, I'll play some Ultimate, and Sunday, I'll probably get flaked on.

I often have a hard time figuring out of someone is just flakey or if I'm being brushed off. Either way, I suppose it's an indication that I'm not important enough to warrant the effort. Right? Meh... I sometimes think I cut people off too easily. But then, I realize I'm not really all that fun for most people to hang around. I don't talk about TV and sports, and if asked what I've been up to I talk about my bike trip and I get all bummed that I didn't go nearly as far as I hoped.

Went on a date of sorts last weekend. She seemed like an interesting person. I talked a lot, felt out of place, and at the end of it all, failed to see the point.

Work has been going much better. I've been focused and accomplishing goals. So at least I dont' feel worthless at work anymore. I could focus my time from a lack of social calendar into making my room nice. I want to have a nice room

Yeah, I'll feel better with a nice room. And getting my bed in the room and so forth. Kinda like having a home.

Today is this dinner thing that I thought I was invited to, but then it seems I wasn't. I suppose I could have followed up if it was important to me. I didn't want her to know that I was excited about it though. Trying to be cool or something. How's that working out for me?

Polar Bears

1/3/2012

Swimming. MY head is swimming.

I'm eating now, in my usual fashion, but my head, still not clear. I thought I was sleepy, have some caffeine in me now. But, still not clear in my head.

Is that appointment with the doctor even going to make a difference?

I made an appointment with a doctor, figured I ought to use this insurance I"m paying for. Also, something's got to give. I worry I won't be able to keep my job with the way I've been struggling.

Just remembered to take my vitamins. Yeah, taking vitamins too. A multi and some fish oil. The fish oil I"ll take with every meal, if I can remember.

Typing out what's getting at me like this is surely better than avoiding it or just mental obsessing, right?

Last night, before dinner, I decided to have a few puffs on my vaporizer. Perhaps that's what helped me eat so well.

I quickly felt so much better in many ways. I felt like I could think, and feel. Felt in control again. Felt excited by life.

I suppose I have to accept that I wasn't excited by life a few years ago. I was numb, felt like my memory was fading, concentration was missing, no direction. I was just doing what I felt I had to to get by.

Pipe dreams.

It really was when I discovered vaporization and started using cannabis regularly that I began to love life, myself, the beauty of everyone and everything. Is that the only way for me to get to that place? Why? How? Is that OK?

Caitlin would tell me that if it's OK, then it's OK. Kat would probably agree too. I am sure that Kat and Caitlin make me a happier person. And I'm pretty sure most people are in favor of that happier me. I'm pretty sure that when I'm happier, I behave differently, I DO things I wouldn't have done. My life substantively changes. I make different decisions. I take more risks. I recover from mistakes, I might even make fewer mistakes. I don't think I allow myself to be paralyzed my fear or indecision as much.

So why do I have a problem with that? I worry that there are some negative effects as well. But I can never really put my finger on what those might be. I'm plenty forgetful without being high. I get lost in thought all the time without being high. It seems that whatever I can think of that might be a negative side effect of being high, is something that happens to me when I'm sober far more than I would like and doesn't seem to happen more when I'm high.

I don't think I'll find an answer to that question today. But I am finally writing out my thoughts instead of just thinking them over and over.

Biking... for... or.. something.

I biked all the way to the office once. I think it was about 16 miles. I've biked down to Montlake and taken the bus from there many times. So 16 miles is the longest ride I've taken since returning to Seattle.

To be fair, it's cold, and it's been quite wet as well. Perhaps I'll try and ride out to Kat's place Sunday. Although, I wanted to bring my guitar... Still haven't solved the guitar on the bike issue.

Crap and stuff

Yeah, I read the article and intended to type out a thoughtful response on Saturday. Then, I ended up super sick for a couple days. I'm still feeling pretty out of it and not remotely insightful or intelligent.

I start trying to type and let my thoughts out but then I seem to just start making excuses for myself. Then, I delete it all, figuring that's not gonna help anyone. I guess I ought to be writing this in my Journal.

So, Journal, How are you? I said many times that I wanted to keep writing. Wanted to journal just like I had been on my trip. Why did I stop?

I stopped when things took a turn for the worse. Is that a pattern? When I get sad I clam up, I leave the group and go suffer alone. Even when I'm with the group, I'm not really there WITH the group. Just faking it.

Nothing new there.

I don't think anybody reading my blog signed up to hear all of that... or maybe they did.

I know I intended to give everything... I just thought everything was going to be an amazing adventure. Yet, maybe it still is. Maybe my perspective is just what needs fixing.

Florida... five - thousand - miles...

HA!

But my wrists? So... lame

I was trying to make the most of it, but I wasn't addressing how I really felt emotionally about stopping short. The boys(Shaun and Geoff) made it. Before Christmas even.

How do I go forward now? Where is forward? Where am I going? I've lost direction. Lost...

Lost, disconnected, numb. This is what I feel now. Not what anybody wants to hear. Everybody likes happy stories. But this is reality. This is where I am right now.

Stephanie, after our chill new years eve hangout, asked me what my resolution would be. I had been deep in thought, obsessing about the past, about my disconnection, about why I can't feel like I belong anywhere. So, it took me a moment to come back to now, look her in the eye and then to try and determine what level of an answer she was interested in. I defaulted to shallow. We've only started to have a "deepish" conversation once while drunk and this time I was heading out the door and we were both sober.

When I decided I was coming back to Seattle, I thought I needed to try harder if I expected to succeed at my goals. Since having those thoughts, I've come to realize that's what I always tell myself, I'm lazy, and I just need to try harder. twenty some odd years of saying this hasn't changed anything.

So in that moment, Steph is looking for a simple answer to a not so simple question.

"I think I'm going to not give up so easily." I say.

"That's a good one." she replies. "I'm going to work on being more open with people."

Here's was much better. Mine is just another loop in a long cycle. Well, maybe she makes similar resolutions ever year too. Misery loves company...

Kelly...

She sent me an article, about family relations, and asked me for my thoughts. I'm having such a hard time focusing on anything lately, getting through an article without skipping around is hard work. Keeping the ideas in my head long enough to form a response is even harder.

I'm thinking the holidays are upon us, she's probably had some family struggles and this relates. She could really use my input, but I can't seem to summon any.

Blocked...

Seems as though everything is blocked. Every direction I turn, I don't really get anywhere. The tiny bit of motivation I might muster up is gone so fast. If I had more energy I'd probably be angry.

Is there a way to wrap this entry up?

I do seem to be running out of steam. As with any of my efforts lately, I didn't really get anywhere. Right back where I started with a mess of junk crapping up my stuff.

Catch up, Part 1

Wow, sorry for leaving you all hanging for a whole month. First, let me catch you up.

While I was in Seattle, I began volunteering for Washington United For Marriage. I realized that getting back on the bicycle felt less important to me than doing what I could to help some of my friends and so many other wonderful people achieve marriage equality. So, I decided to stay another week and volunteer as much as I could handle while I was there.

Friends at a phone bank

I was a MACHINE, canvasing two to three areas of turf a day. Then, Wednesday of that week, the cold I had been feeling hit with full force. Spending the previous day riding and walking around in the rain for ten hours might have contributed to the onset. :-/

Why does my body keep failing to live up to the unrealistic expectations I have?!?!?!?

So, I stayed home (Ben's home), rested (watched a BUNCH of Ultimate) and cuddled with Angel.

After she got off work, Holly came by with an AMAZING care package. It honestly felt a bit like Christmas as she revealed all the items she picked up from the store for me. I was smiling from chop to chop. :-D

My favorite part of Holly's care package :-D

I still felt pretty lousy the next day and didn't think it was a good idea to head out in the cold and wet before I had turned the corner. One more day resting, watching more Ultimate and also... shaving off the sideburns.

Before...

I had figured I would keep them for Halloween so I could actually dress like Wolverine. Instead, I was sick on Halloween and stayed in. :-/ But, since it was still past Halloween, I really had no interest in keeping them anymore. BAM, gone.

Ya, I think I look strange too.

After being out for two days, I returned to the campaign headquarters ready for action and sans chops. I received a ton of welcome backs and even more, "Woah! Where'd the chops go?" The overwhelming consensus was that I look much more handsome and younger. 

One even went as far as using the word, "baby". I gave a quizzical look, to which she responded. "In a good way!" 

As I canvased West Seattle, I considered my leaving date. I was planning on leaving Sunday, the day after Just the Tip's triple header playoff day. I was super excited about the tournament style, three games in a row, playoffs. I was a lot less excited about sitting 12 hours in a car the day after so much activity. Meanwhile, Holly asked me to not leave until Tuesday so we could hang out Monday night. 

Holly did give me that AWESOME care package, sticking around means I could help more with the campaign AND if I leave Wednesday I could be there Tuesday night for the election party... DONE, staying. :-)

The tournament was incredibly epic. The Tippers showed up STRONG and in great numbers. We won the first two and had a very narrow defeat in the last game. I have never played so hard in my life. I <3 U Just the Tip!!!

The final day of the campaign, November 6th, we began with a massive literature drop all over Seattle at 4AM. We left notes on doors, doorsteps, gates, cars, anywhere where we thought someone might see it and remember to GET YOUR BALLOT IN. From about 8AM to 9AM, we stood on the Madison St. overpass and waved signs at the traffic on I-5. Oodles of honks and waves of encouragement flowed from the vehicles. Good times. :-)

Then, I got to have breakfast with Ben, and back out on the streets, Wallingford specifically, for more canvasing. The double batch of turf I had took me the entire rest of the day. I did manage to talk to three people who had yest to turn in their ballots. They did have plans to do so and were aware it was election day. So, I suppose I didn't really accomplish much, but you never know what you're gonna find when you hit the streets.

The staff fed me dinner back at the headquarters. Then. I wandered around and spaced out for a bit. I had just spent over 12 hours walking, biking, knocking on doors and talking to strangers. This machine was a little low on energy.

For some reason, I was not excited about going to the election party. I also was having trouble working out if I should drive there, or bike or...? Part of me just wanted to go to bed. I eventually figured that I would be sad later if I didn't drag myself over to the party. Once I got there, I'd probably get a second wind.

Eventually found parking a quarter mile or so from the event. Decided to jog most of the way there. It was far, and jogging ain't no thang. 

The event was at the Westin, a big, fancy hotel in downtown Seattle. This also happened to be the same location for the Democratic election party. So, there were a lot of people drinking and celebrating every time another state went for Obama. There didn't seem to be much focus on R-74. I also couldn't find ANYBODY I knew from the campaign. :-/

I wandered around, feeling incredibly detached and out of place, trying my best to smile and look for friendly faces. These people are not my people. They are wearing suits and dresses and talking about kids and the various things one buys with lots of money. 

Eventually, I began seeing a few people I knew from the campaign  However, I began to think that they are likely to be busy playing the political game of making connections for future campaigns and whatever else one does at a meeting like this. 

I sat down and looked into my phone for... something. Facebook! What's good???

I texted Holly, who reminded me that she was at an election party at her place with her roommates and a bunch of friends(who I could safely assume are not like these suits and dresses here). Done, I'm on my way. Peace out!

Holly's roommates are brother and sister, Mike and Heidi, and I think they're pretty dang great. There were a lot of other people there, a few of whom i was introduced to, but I think I had had my stranger quota filled for the day. So I spent the evening chatting with Mike, Heidi and Holly. It was a great time and a great last night in Seattle.

Wednesday morning, drive to Chico!

To be continued...

Comming down is the hardest thing

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure I was flying. However, I may have been flapping too hard and now my wrists a injured.

I left you all last time with an unknown. Sorry to leave you hanging for so long. But hey, at least it was only about a week rather than MONTHS like so many of our favorite shows. That's right. You know why I wouldn't leave you hanging for so long? LOVE.

You and I have a bond, a special bond. A bond which cannot be categorized or labeled, nor would we want it to be. For we are but elements of a single being. The oneness of everything, you, me, Shep the Wonder Sloth, all of our experiences, the collective knowledge of life as we know it...

Uh... Well, I guess what I really mean to say is... YOU COMPLETE ME.

After my last entry, my dad drove up to Chico to pick me up. This also allowed me to bring the boat down to Modesto for storage. Modesto, very close to the center of the armpit of California. Yes, its quite warm and when moist, many things grow very well. Fortunately, we can eat many of the things which grow in California's armpit. Now, aren't your armpits jealous?

Once I decided to rest for three weeks I pretty quickly decided I would go crazy if just sat around Modesto for two or more weeks. When began to think about where else I might go, all I wanted to do was see my Seattle friends. It feels like I have been gone for much longer than a month. Almost as if a new Jesse was born on the road to deal with a new chapter, leaving behind old ways and patterns of thought. Or maybe the road just makes you a little nuts...

So, after some consultation with my spirit guide, there are some who know him as LB, Seattle it was. It was good to see my parents and gaining back the ten pounds I lost on the road. It was challending dealing with the lack of social outlets while coming down off the high of the tour. It was GLORIOUS to return to Seattle. :-)

My wrists are feeling a lot better. Still too sore to think about starting the tour again, but much better than when I stopped. I'm fairly confident that I'll be ready to ride again in when I get back to California.

Meanwhile, I'm recharging my body and spirit up here in Seattle with good food, amazing friends and Ultimate. This weekend I had large helpings of all three. Well, only half a game of Ultimate before I rolled my ankle and had to stop. Just being on the sideline is great in my book. :-)

Currently, my plans are to be in Seattle until the end of the month. This will allow me to see Adam and Hanna both have their first Kickboxing fights on the 26th! A friend is driving down to SF at the end of the month and I will probably catch a ride with her. Hopefully that works out!

My spirits are high and I'm excited about life, both present and future.

Still... THERE ARE MORE PICS!

Lizard that interrupted my long blog

The TRUE summit of the 299 pass.

32 pushDOWNS 

Nice view of the Redding area from Hilltop Drive

Just a couple of the beautiful horses I saw on the way to Red Bluff

Really neat section of road north of Red Bluff

Longhorns!

Don't know what this guy was doing, but I knew I had to photograph it. Yawning?

I like these trees.